Festivals are about good food, warmth, family time, colourful décor and more importantly dressing up. From the colour coordinated golden couture of Alia, Ranbir and Raha to stylish pictures of Sobhita Dhulipala with Akkineni family, everyone dons the festive vibe and poses as a happy unit. Across social media you see friends and their partners beaming in festive attire. Every street has hoardings of brightly decked families exploring shopping offers. This year as I watched the world dressed up and ready to celebrate the festival, I was coming to terms with seven months of separation. As significant time had passed since the separation, it wasn’t the separation itself which was causing the pain. It was the realisation of an incomplete family during Diwali which was hurting. “Would it matter if I took efforts to dress up this Diwali?”, I thought to myself. I was quite sure that underlying all complements there would be an element of curiosity or pity. “She looks pretty and in fact they looked great as a couple, I wonder why they chose to separate!” or “She looks so good; it is sad that she is going through divorce.” I believed that even if I wore a dazzling sequin saree it was my incomplete life that would stand out.
I remembered the times when I used to get ready for family celebrations before my marriage. I used to spend hours trying out different outfits before selecting the right one. This was followed by light make up and artistic earrings. ‘Does this outfit complement my weight? Is the kajal just right to create a smokey-eye look? Would people compliment me? Do I look good enough for an eligible bachelor or his family to inquire more about me after the function?’ Yes, I was my younger and slimmer self at 25. However, no amount of makeup or good outfits could replace my persistent self-doubt with confidence. At 25, I had been on matrimonial platforms for over 3 years and faced multiple rejections, mostly due to the mangal in my Kundali. Just looking pretty wasn’t enough. I thought I should look pretty enough to compensate for this shortcoming.
At 28, I was married to a man of my choice and the painful process of rejecting and getting rejected on matrimonial platforms had finally ended. However, my quest for validation continued. I carefully selected silk sarees and matching gold jewellery. Then a lot of effort went into draping it right and styling my hair. Yes, I enjoyed the process of getting ready but the joy would be short-lived if my husband or in-laws didn’t compliment me. We appeared to be a well-dressed and good-looking couple. I thought the world envied me for looking good and having a good-looking husband. It was their envy or appreciation that I enjoyed more than dressing up itself. Somewhere I also craved for the world to tell him that I looked amazing so that he continued to be in love with me.
Just divorced at 30, I was neither looking for validation from my ex-husband nor longing for inquiries from prospective grooms. I had gained significant weight due to stress eating post-divorce. After spending several hours scrolling through everyone’s happy lives, I finally thought of getting dressed up. The thought of dressing up nicely without the pressure of impressing the world felt slightly liberating. I picked a floral hand painted pink salwar kameez, matching mirror earrings and a Thai flower clip. I also spent some time applying subtle make up. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I realised that after many years, I was standing up straight unlike my usual habit of carrying a slight slouch.
As opposed to other times where I went around yearning for appreciation, this Diwali I just got dressed for myself. Surprisingly every person I bumped into mentioned how beautiful I looked. My family picture was still incomplete. Yet after resting my quest for validation, I was starting to feel complete and beautiful in a unique way.
Authored by: Gauri Shidhaye
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